


la douleur exquise

by heyrebelgrrrl



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: F/F, i really have it bad for these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 05:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18423621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyrebelgrrrl/pseuds/heyrebelgrrrl
Summary: New year, new breakdown.





	la douleur exquise

**Author's Note:**

> living that POST GRAD LIFE, publishing ALL THE FICS. I am head over heels in love with roisa and I have been sitting on this fic for over a year. TAKE THIS. PLEASE.

“Luisa, no.”

Rose was absolutely insistent, stepping out from Luisa’s grasp. And despite the heavy weight of concern that knit its way into Rose’s features, she looked absolutely gorgeous in her cobalt blue dress, a perfect complement to her brilliant red hair, so elegantly curled, and those blue eyes which reflected the clarity of the water of some distant, tropical destination.

“You have come _so far_ …”

Luisa immediately misconstrued what was actually worry with disappointment in Rose’s tone, but its effect was still the same. She abandoned the shot glass filled to the brim with tequila upon the bar with a heavy sigh. For a moment she considered what Rose was saying and, more importantly, all the things she wasn’t saying. She knew it was the truth, but what did it matter?

“Yeah, well. I already screwed up.” Luisa’s laugh was bitter, all the disdain reserved entirely for herself. “Because I’m a screw up. It’s what I do. One more drink won’t make any difference, and I’m tired. I’m so _tired_ of constantly having to be around something that I want but can’t have. Do you even know what it’s like, Rose? To be reminded of the only thing that has ever made you feel alive every single day of your life?” By now the tears that had pooled in Luisa’s eyes began to fall. “Of course you don’t. Look at you,” she gestured toward the other woman, feeling foolish for having even entertained such a thought. And even if Luisa hadn’t found herself continually awestruck by Rose’s radiant beauty, she’d been around long enough to know by now. “You get everything you want.”

“No.”

There was accusation in Luisa’s tone, but Rose responded to none of it. Instead, her voice was gentle and soft as she took this opportunity to approach Luisa. When she was close enough, Luisa could see the emotion shining in Rose’s glassy, tear-filled eyes.

“Yes. You do.”

“Luisa,” Rose tried again, taking Luisa’s hands into her own. “Of course there are things in this world that I want but can’t have. And it pains me every single day, having to say no to myself, to something that makes _me_ feel alive, that feels right. There are moments where I think of how easy it would be to throw everything away and chase after those things, but I don’t let those thoughts win. Because they’re momentary. Because I know that sometimes, doing the right thing isn’t always easy, and what’s easy isn’t always right. What I want and what I need don’t always align. Nothing good every comes easy. So yeah, I know, okay? And I also know that you are so much stronger than this. We all make mistakes, Luisa. Are you going to going to let this one be the one that defines you?”

“I really can’t stand you.”

This particular reaction wasn’t what Rose had been going for and it showed, given the shock so clearly written upon her face. “What?”

“Because you’re kind, and you’re caring, and compassionate, and smart, and so freaking gorgeous, and—and you’re right,” Luisa resigned with another sigh, running her fingers through her hair. “You’re right.”

“So… you’re going back to rehab? Before things get worse?”

A moment of silence passed between them, filled only with the slightly muffled sounds of the music coming from the main hall.

And then Luisa crumbled.

“I’ll call them tomorrow.”

Concern gave way to relief, and Luisa was presented with a smile. “Good. Now come on. Let’s go find your father and Allison. We’ll tell them what happened, she can get you home, and tomorrow you two can make arrang—”

“No,” Luisa cut her off. “I mean yes, I will, I just…” she trailed off, walking away to take a seat on the sofa. “I need a minute. I can’t deal with Allison right now. But you should go back to the party. I’m sure this isn’t exactly how you planned ringing in the new year.”

“It isn’t,” Rose admitted honestly, grabbing her clutch from the counter. “But I’ll survive. What were you two arguing about, anyway?”

Luisa laughed. “You saw that?”

“You weren’t exactly subtle,” Rose revealed, joining Luisa on the sofa.

“Ugh. We were arguing about how difficult it is to be with me. Holidays with an alcoholic aren’t exactly a walk in the park.”

“I would have thought after so many years, she would have caught on by now.”

“To how much of a mess I am?” Luisa chuckled. “Yeah, I thought she was smarter than that, too.”

“ _No_. That you’re a catch.”

Now that drew some real laughter. “Rose.”

“I’m serious, Lu. You don’t give yourself enough credit, and everyone can see it. Do the two of you… argue about this often?”

“No, but… enough.”

“Have you ever thought about leaving her?”

“Aren’t you the one that just told me doing the right thing isn’t always easy?”

This caught Rose off-guard, mouth agape and amused for a split second before she resigned to her fate. “Touché.” But enough of that. “Now come here,” she changed the topic, opening her clutch for a tissue. “Let’s get you cleaned up before going back out there.”

“Oh god.” Luisa touched her face, absolutely mortified. “Is it bad?”

“I have two words for you, honey.” Rose turned on the couch to face Luisa, setting her clutch aside so she could get to work. “Waterproof mascara.”

“Oh my god,” Luisa drawled again, now using her hand to shield her face from Rose. “Can you just… give me your compact? I’ll take care of it.”

“Luisa, I’m going to be completely honest with you. It’s a little too late to be embarrassed,” Rose laughed, guiding Luisa’s hand away from her face. “Let me take care of you.”

Luisa resigned to her humiliating fate with a roll of her eyes. “Fine. But just… erase this from your memory, okay? I like to imagine that you remember me in my embarrassing moments as at least looking dignified and not like the Latina version of Alice Cooper.”

“Deal,” Rose managed around a chuckle. “Now come here.”

They fell silent again as Rose began to gently wipe away all evidence of Luisa’s breakdown.

“How do you manage—”

“—To look like such a mess? I know. But _you_ should have probably caught on by now, too, so—”

“If you would _let me finish_ , you would have heard me ask how you manage to still look so beautiful after having half of your eye make-up streaking down your face,” Rose corrected her.

“Half?!”

“You’re missing the point,” Rose pointed out in sing-song before Luisa could start spiraling again.

“Thank you for such a lovely compliment,” Luisa tried dryly, tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Fine. I take it back. …Alice Cooper.”

Luisa caught sight of Rose’s satisfied grin and scoffed in response.

“But I _am_ going to need a little help getting all of this off.” Rose’s efforts halted as she turned to dig around in her clutch. “I don’t think I brought any make-up wipes, di—”

“Really?”

“What?”

“Give me your hand.”

“What?!”

“Justgiveittome.”

Rose turned back with furrowed brows and presented Luisa with her hand, which she promptly took and proceeded to lick the pad of Rose’s thumb. “Go. You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t want to be presumptuous.”

“What? You think this room _filled_ with people would see you _lick your finger_ and suddenly know we slept together years ago?” A sly look overtakes her. “I don’t recall you being so shy about licking anything else.”

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you married my father.”

“Luisa.”

“Rose.”

Luisa didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the years of silent frustration that led to this moment, finally addressing the thing they’d been dancing around for so long. (Let’s be real, it was probably the alcohol, but didn’t Rose just point out that she didn’t give herself enough credit? Hashtag personal growth).

She very clearly saw the way Rose clenched her jaw, biting back whatever it was she had to say in retaliation to her low blow and instead proceeded with her work, no longer hesitating to dampen the pad of her thumb in order to take care of Luisa’s other cheek.

She was just about finished when she heard the song change, indicated by the noise of a rush of air through the speakers in the main hall.

 “Okay,” Rose sighed and pulled back, admiring her work maybe just a little too long, _maybe_ with a little hint of sadness sneaking into those eyes. “Perfect. Are you… ready to get back to the party?” She turned away to tuck the tissue back into her clutch. “I’m sure Allison is—”

“Rose, wait.” Luisa grabbed for a hand and caught Rose’s attention. “I’m sorry about what I said. I just…” she trailed off with a shake of her head. “I don’t think I ever really got any closure, you know? And sometimes I catch myself looking at you and wondering… What if? It’s not right for me to take my stuff out on you. What you did for me tonight… You didn’t have to come looking for me or stay with me, I know that, and I’m sorry. For what I said, for ruining your night, for everything.” The tears were back, and Luisa was thankful she probably didn’t have much make-up left to cry off.

“You have nothing to be sorry for and you didn’t ruin anything,” Rose replied, voice soft and gentle. She moved to kneel before Luisa, taking her hands once more and offering a silent squeeze of commiseration. “Because this is what you do when you care about someone. You take care of them, no matter what.”

The sheer compassion Rose had for Luisa was stunning. Her father coddled her, walked around on eggshells; Allison and Raf… they loved her, but she could see that hint of contempt in their eyes whenever they were reminded that she wasn’t “normal”, whenever she screwed up, whenever they had to take those few extra steps to make sure she wouldn’t fly off the rails. But Rose? Rose accepted her for who she was, for better or for worse, and it might have been the first time in her life that anyone had ever done that for her.

“You are so good to me,” Luisa breathed quietly, silently marveling at the humanity Rose possessed. “What did I ever do to deserve this?” she asked, expecting no answer as she cradled Rose’s face gently in her hands. “For you to be so good?”

And in that moment, Rose looked at Luisa as if she was the only person who existed.  The only person who mattered.  Holding all of the affection in the world in those gorgeous blue eyes. When she spoke, it was nothing but a whisper. “You didn’t do anything, Lu. You didn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to.”

As their eyes met, it was like all time halted for just a moment, given the revelation that her mere existence in this world merited all of the kindness and warmth and understanding one person had to offer; that Rose saw her efforts to continue to be the best person she could be, to rise each time she fell, and because of that, nothing else mattered. She deserved more. It took something as simple as that statement to completely shatter Luisa only to build her back up again into someone who could maybe be a little kinder in those moments of transgression. And while she didn’t know it now, Luisa would forever be indebted to this woman who would continually save her from herself.

Luisa tugged Rose closer, and Rose didn’t resist until there was no longer any distance between them. Luisa had tried to kiss her, but instead Rose rested her forehead against Luisa’s and exhaled a shaky breath.

“We can’t.”

“I know,” Luisa breathed, thumbs stroking Rose’s cheeks soon replaced with her lips. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, pressing a kiss there, then to Rose’s jaw, the corner of her mouth. “I’m sorry.” And it was almost as if Luisa could physically feel Rose’s resolve crumble with her next exhale.

Rose turned her head a fraction of an inch, and it was game over for the both of them.

It had been years, and still, there were fireworks. They confessed everything to each other without uttering a single word, all the years of silent anticipation culminating into shaking hands and rapid heartbeats. Hunger and longing.

Rose found herself straddling Luisa’s lap just in time for the music to switch over to something smooth and sultry, and Rose’s hips started moving along with the familiar beat without much conscious effort. Luisa’s fingernails trailed along Rose’s bare thigh, moving ever upwards, catching the fabric of her dress to push it up as far as it would go until she met resistance, hands abandoning the effort to move back to Rose’s gyrating hips.

A few moments passed before a chuckle emanated from somewhere deep in Luisa’s chest, the timbre of her voice colored with desire. She pulled back just a little to make eye contact with Rose, lop-sided smirk resting on her lips. “Are you giving me a lap dance?”

Rose’s eyes fluttered open, and Luisa was delighted to see she was heavy-lidded with the same desire. “I like this song.”

Falling back to rest against the sofa, Luisa took a second to admire what had, quite literally, landed in her lap. Her chest tightened as her appetite grew, mixed with what always accompanies the curse of wanting that which will never belong to her. “I’m starting to,” she hummed, palms tracing the gentle dip and curve of Rose’s waist.

“Pick up your leg,” Luisa whispered, giving Rose’s right thigh a gentle pat. Rose complied, and Luisa spread her legs just enough to fit Rose’s between them, and Rose’s fingers threaded through Luisa’s thick locks giving a firm tug, forcing Luisa to look up at her just in time to catch the flutter of those blue eyes the moment contact was made.

The song went on and Rose rode the smooth waves of the music coming from the main hall, lips resting against Luisa’s neck peppering gentle little kisses there once in a while, leaving Luisa’s patience growing dreadfully thin. Every now and again, Luisa’s hands would wander from Rose’s hips to her thighs, and Rose would swat them away. It wasn’t until the third or fourth time that Luisa let out a low growl of frustration.

“I want to touch you.”

Pulling away from where she’d been resting, Rose peered down at Luisa and asked, “Where?”

There was a little twinkle in Luisa’s eyes at Rose’s question, what she took to be a form of permission. Hands slid along Rose’s bare thighs moving higher and higher until—

“Ah.” Rose grabbed for Luisa’s hands just before they reached their destination and instead, she guided Luisa’s left hand, positioning it between her own legs. “Show me. On yourself.”

A wicked grin slowly grew and spread itself across Luisa’s lips, fluid and effortless like a hot knife through butter.

-

Foreheads together, their breath shared, they fell over the edge together in quick succession, both of them rocking against their own hands and clutching onto one another for dear life.

For a long moment all Luisa could hear was the sound of her pulse in her ears coupled with their breathing as they both came down from their high. In the bliss of her release, Luisa was greeted with something more, something unexpected. A reminder of what she once had, of what she had lost, and what she must say goodbye to once more. A connection. Something real. Something confirmed. This didn’t just live in her head. The magic they had still existed, yet soon they would go back to playing the roles of practical strangers.

It was too much.

Without warning, Luisa was hit with that sudden rush of emotion. It crashed down on her, the unsuspecting victim and she tried, she really did. Eyes squeezed shut, all breathing halted, she put up her levees but they were no match for this. The first sob broke through and she choked it back, her face now buried in Rose’s curls. Her entire body shook as she fought its onslaught.

“Lu?” There was a trace of concern in Rose’s voice; a silent question.

Once again, Luisa found she wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Yeah,” she replied after a second, clearing her throat and it was evident she was upset. “I just need a sec, okay?”

“Take your time,” Rose whispered, lips brushing against her temple, hand moving to tenderly stroke Luisa’s hair.

They remained like that for a long while, Luisa prolonging this moment she wasn’t sure she’d ever get to experience again and Rose offering silent comfort, not uttering a single word.

Eventually, Luisa found her bearings and, left a little numb, pulled back to gaze up at Rose, red faced and puffy-eyed. “We should uh, probably get back, yeah?”

There was a certain fleeting sadness she found reflected in Rose’s eyes. A flash, and then it was gone.

“Yeah,” Rose nodded, rising from Luisa’s lap to straighten her dress and tousle her hair.

Luisa volunteered to go first and Rose agreed, and after a quick once over and a few adjustments, it looked as if nothing had ever happened and Luisa excused herself from the room and went back into the main hall in search of Allison.

By the end of the week she would be back in rehab with her father’s full support and Allison’s thinly veiled reluctance.

It would be the last time Rose and Luisa would speak until years later, at The Marbella. Of course they’d see each other here and there at family get togethers and during the few holidays the family would spend together, and each time Luisa would seek that hint of the intimacy and emotion Rose had shown that night, coming up empty handed each time. It would be longer still for them to talk about what occurred that night.

But nobody ever said the greatest love story ever told would be pleasant, and as one very intelligent woman once said: Nothing good ever comes easy.

And despite the fact that each time Luisa would go searching she would come away disappointed, that didn’t necessarily mean that it wasn’t there—that it didn’t exist.

There _are_ two sides to every story, after all.

\--

Rose had waited nearly twenty minutes before sneaking from that room on new year’s night, and by the time she’d found Emilio, Luisa had already told him of her decision to return to rehab. Rose, of course, greeted this news with feigned shock mixed with some very real empathy, and remained on Emilio’s arm for the remainder of the night.

It wasn’t until much later, when the party had ended and everyone had gone home to sleep for a few hours before the sun’s golden rays awoke the world anew, that Emilio and Rose said goodbye to the last of the guests and returned to their suite upstairs. Rose kissed Emilio goodnight, excused herself to take a shower, and slipped into the bathroom.

She turned the shower on and removed her make-up while the water warmed and began to fill the room with steam. She undressed herself, removing every last hint of the façade she wore day in and day out, and looked at herself in the mirror, eyes wide with vulnerability.

“It was a mistake,” she said to her own reflection, one hand resting upon the counter.

“It was a _mistake_ ,” she repeated through gritted teeth. “It meant nothing. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again.”

And try as she might, no matter how many times she repeated those words, she simply couldn’t bring herself to believe them.

Because it wasn’t a mistake, and she knew that even before the tears started to fall. It was not a mistake, but it _was_ real.

It was love.

It was something Rose would find herself chasing until her very last breath.

And it would be her undoing.


End file.
